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Catholic parents can attend children's civil weddings: Flader

Published: March 11, 2009

Opus Dei priest and commentator, Fr John Flader, says there are circumstances in which it may be acceptable for Catholic parents to attend the non-religious civil wedding ceremonies of their children.

Fr Flader says the prohibition should be lifted in extreme cases for Catholics who make it clear they don't approve of a ceremony outside the Church, the ABC World Today program reports.

"There are parents who themselves aren't all that strong in the faith and if their children get married civilly it doesn't make that much difference to them but there are other parents who are in a sense more strong in their faith, more traditional if you like, and when their children get married civilly it's as if the world were caving in around them. And even for them, they could, as I say, attend that wedding in some circumstances," Fr Flader told the World Today.

According to traditional Catholic moral theology one shouldn't cooperate in the sinful deeds of another, Fr Flader says.

But in recent Catholic publication he argues that in cases where relationships are at risk it can be acceptable for Catholics to participate in a civil ceremony, something the Church considers to be wrong.

"If, for example, one is the parent of a child getting married and the child says, 'Well Mum, if you don't attend my wedding I will not set foot in this house again.' Then the parents see that that will really jeopardise the relationship with their daughter, which they want to preserve and so may decide to go.

"If it's not a matter of a, let's say a parent and a child, although it could apply there too, it could be simply a friend who asks you to attend their wedding and you know that if you don't attend the friendship will continue then you don't need to attend and in principal it's probably better not to."

But they do need to make clear to the person getting married that they really wish they weren't doing this, Fr Flader said.

Commentator Paul Collins said that Fr Flader's comments are significant.

"What I suppose is surprising is that Father Flader, who is the longest serving, at least I think he's the longest serving Opus Dei priest in Australia, that he who represents I suppose you might say a more conservative element within the Church, has spoken out on this in my view quite correctly, and I must say I was very pleased to hear Father Flader's comments, which I think are absolutely true."

SOURCE

Catholic priest opens door on civil ceremonies (ABC, World Today)

 

 

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Recent Comments

  1. Assuming Fr Flader has been quoted correctly, he advises it is appropriate to attend your child's wedding as a response to a threat, but not out of you own love for them. Bullying is acceptable, but love is not? The man seems to have some pretty odd values!!

  2. Fr. Flader wants love to continue for the sake of the erring one who may later come back to the Church.

  3. I am responding to Fr. Flader's views on non-church weddings. My son comes from several generations of Catholics on my side of our marriage. He attended a Catholic High School which was scandalised by paedophilia among the brothers who were in charge of the school. Both my sons attended, and both were sick to death of what they perceived to be catholic hypocrisy. On leaving school they no longer attended Mass. They are good and honourable people. My older son married a lovely young woman in a parkland setting and they wrote their vows in their own terms. My husband and I attended and thought it very meaningful. They are both morally upright people. I had dearly wanted a Nuptial Mass for my wedding, but some really irrelevant Church rule made it impossible - it fell within the octave of Easter (as if God would worry about such trivia.) I think Father Flader is a holy and good man, but is thinking narrowly about this issue. ACW

  4. Why do we get so legalistic about all this "stuff"? Here we go again about" who is in ?" " who is out ?" It resembles a constant " fight" about who is right and who is wrong. It is sad to see.

  5. As with the previous set of comments, Fr Flader is attacked for simply stating what the Church teaches. A challenge for us all - to form our consciences in line with the mind of the Church, not the relativist spirit of the times ("if it feels good it must be right")

    In relation to Annette's sadness at not having a nuptial Mass, perhaps there is a lesson here too, rather than an irrelevancy.

    Marriage is a public sacrament, contracted by the parties in full view of the community of the Church. The Mass is the public worship of the Church. While a nuptial Mass may be celebrated with the wedding ceremony the couple does not won that public act of worship.

    The old rubrics regarding when nuptial Masses could be celebrated were based on this principle of the Mass as public worship. The octave of Easter is a very special period of public rejoicing where the Church community and all of the Church's liturgy is directed and subordinated to the celebration of the Resurrection. Hardly trivia, rather at the very heart of the Christian religion.

  6. I agree with B - the idea that it is 'acceptable' to attend a wedding in a case where non-attendance would jeopardise the relationship is missing the point! [I do hope the priest has been quoted inaccurately.] A parent attends a child's wedding out of love and because it is part of the role of a parent to be present. Our attendance does not necessarily signify approval of the manner in which the marriage is celebrated; it signifies our love for the child and our wishes for his/her happiness in the future. If one of my children chose to marry in a non-religious ceremony, I would be disappointed, but there is no way I would miss it! God gave me my children and I love them. He would understand.

  7. This is confusing. In many European countries the couple contracts a civil marriage before the civil authorities, then, if they choose, they go to the church for the church marriage. A young Australian couple marrying before a civil celebrant are doing much the same thing. They can approach the church for the church marriage at a later time, can't they? Jim Craney

  8. From much reading on this subject it would appear that over 60% of Catholics marry outside the church.

    Who is a Catholic? Fr Bernard Haring in his book "Free and Faithful in Christ, Moral Theology for Priests and Laity" (for the purists it carries Nihil Obstat and Imprimatur).

    "that only those should be counted as Catholics who are not only baptized in the Church but also evangelized in the Church and adhering to her faith." (Volume II page 357.)

    It seems to me that those who are not practising Catholics are being more honest by having a civil wedding than those who just front up for a church wedding and have no other connection with the faith.

    As far as scandal goes I believe most other Christians would understand the situation and share their concerns.

    I think the Church has more worrisome scandals to deal with such as abuse in the Church.

    On the good side civil marriages can be co-validated by "sanatio in radice"

  9. Could I be bold enough to suggest that, except in extreme circumstances, Catholic parents should always attend their son or daughter's wedding when they marry in a civil or non-Catholic ceremony? In no way am I playing down the importance of Catholics marrying in a Catholic ceremony, but surely the love and harmony in the family comes first - the 'domestic church', though sometimes a bit dysfunctional! If a person's faith is such that they choose to marry 'outside the Church', surely they must be allowed to follow their conscience - even if we think they are in error! As a priest, I know what I prefer but I have no desire to force a couple to act in a hypocritical manner. If more bishops were open to allowing a Catholic ceremony in a place other than a church, this would allow priests to assist some couples to reflect on their faith journey and grow spiritually. I have witnessed several marriages in locations other than a church (always with the bishop's permission) and in most cases the couple were 'on side' with the Church. In a minority of cases, I wondered why they were bothering to be married in a Catholic ceremony at all. This is a very complex and sensitive pastoral issue but I believe that the unity and love of the family must be given priority.

  10. Annette, there is no rule saying that you can't get married within Easter Octave. A friend of mine got married in Easter Octave a couple of years ago, and another is getting married within the Easter Octave this year.

    At any rate, at certain times of the year, it is improper (and I think canonically illicit, though I am willing to be corrected) to get married, because we are celebrating a greater union - that between God and His Church. Christmas day is probably the best example. Another would be the Easter Triduum. I don't see why this is a big deal. There is nothing saying that you have to get married on a particular day, here and now, just as there is nothing saying that I have to eat here and now, even if it happens to be at the moment of consecration at someone's nuptual Mass. The realities of life are realities, and God is more important than man.

    Note too that Fr. Flader is making a pastoral exception. He is not "pushing" a "conservative" line (whatever that means).

  11. B, I don't know of odd value systems. All Fr. Flader is saying (and he is speaking about relaxing regulations for pastoral reasons) is that, love prompts you to do your best to keep your children within the Church, without which there is no salvation. If this is the best you can do, then you can go to the wedding. There is no opposition there.

    Annette, there is no rule forbidding weddings within the Easter octave. I know a number of people who have gotten married within that time. There are various times, some natural (soon after a parent's funeral), and some supernatural (the Easter Triduum) when it is improper to get married. The regulations that codify the latter merely state that something else is taking place at the time which is more important. It is not irrelevant at all. Why couldn't they wait another week? It is also not a question of something being "meaningful". It is a question of whether a wedding is sacramental. And the sacraments are administered by the Church.

  12. Ahh, the legalities of the Latin Rite. One wonders when they will wake up and stop basing their faith on Canon Law rather than the Law of Love, found in the Gospels, Apostolic Tradition, and writings of the Early Fathers?

  13. Take my views from a more conservative priest which will shock even Fr. Flader: Parents who love their children will baulk at their views, but no matter what, for love of their children, nothing will get in their way. If that is not being Christian, I then don't know what is.

  14. As a wise and generous pastor, Fr Flader is apparently envisaging every possible extreme case. But I fear his comments will be taken as a general permission to disregard law and morality every time someone says something such as "if you don't attend my non-Catholic wedding I will not set foot in this house again'', which if tested turns out to be an empty threat in the vast majority of cases.

    The only valid wedding for a Catholic is a Catholic wedding. (Even in those cases where for special reasons dispensation is granted for a ceremony in a non-Catholic church, it is the Catholic priest or deacon who carries out the required Church functions.) To attend and celebrate a Catholic's non-Catholic "wedding" is, in effect, to celebrate the Catholic's decision to live in sin.

  15. I appreciate the comments from those above who recognise the significance of family members being present for family celebrations! I know where I belong on my child's wedding day!

    I'd be disappointed if one of our children chose to have a civil ceremony, but I'd be there,because I'm their mother.

  16. Is he saying that Catholics should not attend a friend's non-Church wedding (even if they are not Catholic?)!

  17. Of course not Stephen, Fr Flader is speaking only of Catholics getting married. The Church presumes that a marriage of two non-Catholics is valid until proven invalid, and that a marriage of two non-Catholic Christians is a sacrament until proven not to be.

  18. It may well be too late to post here, but, Adeodatus' final statement is," The sacraments are administered by the Church". My understanding is that marriage is the one sacrament that is 'administered' by the groom and the bride.

  19. Thomas, the marriage of a Catholic is not licit unless a Catholic priest (or deacon) conducts the ceremony, in a Catholic church (unless dispensation has been given for it to be held in another place). So in that sense the Church and the priest "administer" it.
    And the theology of the Eastern churches is that the priest confers the graces of the sacrament upon the couple, springing from the sacrament of Holy Orders.

  20. We must ask ourselves when commenting; do we comprehend what it means to be Catholic? Due to our natures, we often make rash judgment about the Church based upon the failures of its members, particularly priests and religious.

    Jesus never promised His Church members would not fail, but He did promise the Church and its teachings would prevail. Sadly, we often abandon the Church due to sin of others. This was the great error of Martin Luther. Imagine if he had remained loyal, working within to correct certain abuses of his day, instead of starting his own “church.” He went the way of pride, as contrasted to the humility of St. Francis and other noble saints.

    When we claim Catholicism, we claim faith in Scripture and Sacred Tradition. We do not say we are gods who make up the faith. We submit in humility to be guided by the Church, or we are not Catholic. Regarding rules, what entity of value operates without them? They exist for us to be grounded in our faith.

    The Catholic belief on marriage is holy, sacramental, and beautiful. A sublime gift from God, not a mere legality. We must respect teachings on the delicate matter of wedding attendance. Fr. Flader is doing a service here in showing that love is indeed the driver for proper discernment, in orchestration with the Church. He is providing clarity so parents can properly safeguard their faith and in love and mercy, keep open the relationship with their children.

  21. Thomas,

    You are correct. It is technically possible for a lay-person to witness a Catholic marriage. If the couple have received a dispensation they may even marry without a Catholic priest or deacon present.

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